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I was raised Catholic, I am Korean, and I am a woman. I have an intimate familiarity with shame. Shame has lived as a shape shifter within me, one minute a high stakes hostage situation and the next an overzealous life coach. It’s the monster in the closet waiting for the perfect moment to jump out and affirm that your nightmares are true. You are alone and should be; no one cares enough to come for you.
One thing I have noticed that shame always is, is an inky, fluid poison. It seeps into the cracks of every little bit of humanity and weakens it: affection, belief, contentment… My mother always says evil is real and it is uncomplicated. It is only that which we must push back against. I think of shame like this idea of evil, a toxicity that can only benefit us when used to highlight the degree of goodness we must cultivate within our lives to outshine the dark. But how? How do we defeat such a cunning monster?
Perhaps the most insidious quality shame has is its ability to convince me that it is a good investment. That in tilling my shame, in listening to its damning voice I am doing others a service. In my quest to slay my monster of shame, I discovered this belief at its heart and center. At the root of all the harm I was doing to myself under the banner of shame, was the idea that I would be taking too great a risk in not trusting it. If I believed I was good, I was forgivable, lovable, and acceptable then I could potentially unleash my inherent unworthiness on the people I loved. I could hurt them. Better to hurt myself first and spare them.
Whenever we treat ourselves or other badly, I do think our motivation is the belief it will protect us, as generous a viewpoint as that may seem. Who of us wants to be sad and lonely? We must in some way believe maltreatment is a pathway to fulfillment. I did for a very long time.
When I looked up and realized I was running out of parts of me to chip away at I turned, in desperation, to personal growth books amongst many other avenues to healing. I remember a line in one of them that was a great turning point for me. The author wrote that “Our shame is not valuable.” meaning to say that behaviors or beliefs that hurt ourselves are never going to truly benefit others. We may hold onto them in the hopes that they will reign us in, whip us into shape, make us good enough. But in the end all we’re doing is denying ourselves love and connection others want from us too. Even if you’ve done something truly wrong, the shame won’t right the ship, won’t strengthen your ability to make amends. How can we give unconditional love if we cannot ask for it? How can we feel good if we don’t believe we’re good?
I can’t say I’m free of shame. We never are. It’s a monster capable of incredible resurrection. But I can say I’ve grown into a taller creature than it. Because on the other side of that fallacy that my self acceptance would come at the cost of others was the realization that the people I wanted to protect were so beautifully lovable. No wrong they had committed or fault of theirs I had stepped on mattered enough in comparison to their inherent splendidness. I believed in their goodness. So by some logic there must be a way to believe in mine. And the people who did not want to be loved or love me properly? Fell away in this blessing of goodness as well.
Shame is the dragon guarding the gates to heaven. But love? Love is the taller creature.
May this meditation help you grow your heart big and strong.
Journal Prompt
What are three actions you can do everyday to be kinder to yourself?
The Shame is Not Valuable